Walking Through Grief

I still haven't been able to toss out Smokie's food and water dish, or kitty litter box, or feather toys, or catnip mice (which he never played with anyhow). I know he's not coming back, but with his stuff around I feel that part of him is still here. Perhaps that's just still the denial phase of grief. Which is the first step. Following denial there is 2) pain and guilt, 3) anger and bargaining, 4) depression, reflection and loneliness, 5) the upward turn, 6) reconstruction and working through, then 7) acceptance and hope. To be honest I've felt all of these, if only for a moment or two, perhaps a second or two on some, within the past 30 hours. Some of them I've felt at the same time. But deep in my mind, way deep in my heart, lies the seed of hope. Hope that there will one day be another set of cat paws trotting about in my life. In March of 2007 my beloved dog Dudley had to be put to sleep. I was 42 at the time. He was my 5th dog in my life and I swore I was a Total "dog person". Smokie was my first cat, I got him in August of 2007. I now believe that it doesn't matter the pet we have in our life, It's the companionship, the love, the freedom of unconditional love, loving something and being loved back, the something there to share our life with, the God-created being that we ourselves can express our own creativity with -regardless of whether we are given a cock-heeded wide-eyed "WTF" look. We are our best selves when we are with our pets, the beings of light and love God created us as. No thinking involved, just go with the flow.

I just feel so guilty and shameful that he trusted me and I told him everything would be fine, everything would be OK. I didn't know his life was going to be taken from him. I believe the soul goes on; his spirit was so playful and lively while he was well. Life, true life, and the energy that creates it can't just end with a needle prick. But I have no idea where he went, if he knew the way, if he was secure with what was happening. Do animals have spirit guides to usher them over the Rainbow Bridge?

This week-end is the Livonia Spree. It's calling my name but I don't think my legs, which are swelling up again, can handle the walk. I'm also afraid of what the parking would be like. So here I stay at home alone. Bored, very bored.